every day’s great at your junes!
i went all in for june. “it gotta be great,” i begged. my biggest expectation was to get out of the may-rut and get excited for life again.
what i did not expect was my goddamn monograph thesis consuming my life. every minute of my days, every breath that i took, it would haunt me. whenever my fingers weren’t typing or researching articles or other monographs it would whisper in the back of my head. i even wrote this experience in what would be a future entry, but as you can see, i’ve given up. yeah, i couldn’t do it. i kept relying on panic and on the fact that i’m a good writer, but most days i would stare at the document and spend at least 5 hours in a single page. it was hopeless. so i talked to my advisor and asked for an extension for the next semester… but she told me to keep writing and to have faith in myself because even though our schedule was tight, it isn’t impossible for me to finish it. so here i am, still writing it. next month you’ll know if i managed to graduate or not lol.
at least next time i know what i gotta do to not disgrace a monograph. i’ve learned a lot with this mess of a project.
i also have another article to write, but at least that one i’m not winging it alone.
on other stuff that happened this month: i stopped writing entries for my horse riding classes because most classes have been the same. i’ve been improving and my teacher can’t wait to have me canter and jump, but my canter still sucks. i think he’s getting impatient because he’s watching my hard work to get the basics well-done. i wish i could improve my form faster. it’s been 5 months and i’m also getting frustrated for not cantering well yet. i also saw him riding and jumping and man, he looks so cool while doing it; it’s like he’s one with the horse. perfect cues and execution. i wanna ride as smooth as he in the future.
i also got obsessed with tonaume (となう目, tonaero, wtv) from mmk, and bought the first volume on amazon to start a collection. i wrote an essay about it too, that i plan finishing and publishing here after i actually finish my monograph, as a treat.
that manga also inspired some things to resurface in my romantic relationship that i missed a lot.
⚠️ warning: this section contains topics of mature (+17) nature, although no mention of anything graphic or explicit. click and read at your own discretion.
you see, i have a d/s relationship with my girlfriend, but we struggle at managing it. i won’t get into details, but she’s too independent and would rather do everything by herself, and i’m a spoiled brat who always got his way by arguing endlessly until i wore anyone down. for a while we thought this dynamic wasn’t for us, but not having it was worlds worse than struggling on it. after we read tonaume together, we were able to discuss our conflict points and misunderstandings while also figuring out things that were important, but got lost amidst the confusion. it was a breath of fresh air. now she’s been asking, demanding, requesting more of me, and i couldn’t be happier. i don’t know about you, reader, but i feel much happier when i’m asked to do something rather than doing it just because the other person expects me to. to me, having someone do something for you without your request sounds like manipulation (like, now you “owe” them whether you like/want it or not), but requesting sounds genuine. it also makes me feel part of our relationship. hearing that she needs me as much as i need her, that i belong by her side and she wants me there, requests me to be there. being wanted, desired, useful, and of service to her it’s what makes me the happiest in the whole world; knowing she trusts me this much to take care of her & attend her needs.
coincidentally, to match this entry’s title, atlus dropped this bomb on my lap and i kid you not, this one might be my favourite persona game ever. my guess is that it will be sombre, eerier, and it will have a batmanesque-detective-style approach. i think the main threat will be something biological, like a virus or a fungus, but the whole green goo thing reminds me of old scooby-doo episodes, so if it happens to have a monster/ghost mystery vibe i will also love it. i just really hope it moves away from the eye-candy of p4 and p5 and closer to p3 dark vibes… i miss when persona games were actually eerie, gritty, and ghostly (i could write a whole entry about how p6 has potential to be the best persona game ever if it succeeds to mix the best of the previous big 3 and apply it).
and don’t get me wrong, p5 was (is) groundbreaking, but it’s overrated as hell. the art design is the only thing that can receive the biggest praise forever. i remember when the trailer came out 11 years ago during 2015’s e3 and it was hit after hit of innovation, stylization, and beauty. it looked like a completely different game. everyone was astonished. to this day the character models, game ui, hud, and overall design is praised to the ends of the world; justifiably! that game’s design was so outstanding and successful at that time that they decided to copy-paste it to their other successes (p3 and p4) and that’s what killed it to me. i think p3 needed a remake, and it was quite well done (because the old graphics were very outdated), but this p5-redesign-base formula failed to match the sombre and serious tone of p3. i’m not even gonna mention how dirty they did to p4 with this ridiculous, atrocious, criminal remake. that deserves its own particular entry.
ANYWAY, i’ve been a fan of the franchise since 2014 (and i had a short-lived hyperfixation on carl jung) so i get very worked up about it. all i ask is for p6 to stray away from p5. it doesn’t have to be revolutionary or groundbreaking like its predecessor, just different. a different tone, ui, hud, colour scheme, main character personality… i just miss something like p3’s gothic undertones and p4’s chilly environmentalization… aah i’m being too greedy lol. or maybe i’m just tired of p5.
yeah, that makes more sense.
persona is one of the franchises i get easily jealous
over, so when p5 got showered with attention (deserved!) i felt overprotective over it.
actually, this jealousy story goes deeper than that and it touches in more personal, wounded areas of my heart that has nothing to do with persona itself. it’s not mere jealousy. it’s… protectiveness. i will not elaborate. maybe in the future…
wrapping up, my high school friend is applying for the national exams with me! he’s very eloquent and intelligent so i can’t wait to watch him grow academically. he’ll thrive there like a dog with two tails, i’m sure of it. it would be so cool if we could enrol at the same time…
ah yes, i also revived my old art blog. i’m posting there semi-regularly. it’s very self-indulgent and full of my ocs, but check it out if you can! maybe you’ll find something that you like?
that’s it for this month. it was frustrating and hellish, but i prefer to struggle june-style 10x instead of may-style. depressive episodes of despair & stagnation sucks. at least it can’t get any worse than that from now on. i’m just a little bummed out that i’m not writing or posting more entries, but i don’t like posting anything under 800 words.
bleh, let’s wrap this up, it’s already too long!
see you next month, reader. as always, ty for reading!
the title of this entry is taken from: p4’s junes theme song.