happy new yers eve!
i’m not the type of man to publish my feelings—they’re harsh & violent most of the time—, but every new year i think about my yet-to-be-sent letters i wrote back in my early 20s, of all the joy & hope i used to have, all the fierceness and fieriness i used to carry in my sleeve & how all of this died this year. what a cursed year! it started bad & somehow got even worse!
on the very first day, i unearthed one of the worst memories one could have of their childhood. later during the year, i kept finding more & more frightening ones, without digging a tomb. it was like opening a closet cabinet filled to the door; more & more skeletons fell over my head. i didn’t know it was so full.
today is the last day of this godforsaken year, & i have forgiven myself. “why? how dare you!” you may ask. “you did absolutely nothing this year! zero accomplishments!” & i agree with you. but i also (now) understand that i needed this year to be one to recover from all these buried monsters. i had to let my brain get up at its own pace. it’s useless to beat a dead horse. i had no energy to explain my awful discoveries to the ones i needed to—my boss, my academic advisor, my teachers—i had to let things unroll in peace. the only people who got to know about those things were my girlfriend and you, reader (& maybe not even you! lol).
this whole year i blamed myself for my lack of productivity, my constant plethora of executive dysfunction crisis, my meltdowns & rage fits, my lack of knowledge about what i “let” happen to me, and how to deal with it now that i knew more. i didn’t see how blaming & guilt-tripping myself only made everything worse.
i think about how i went through this whole hero’s journey without a mentor or someone holding my hand & telling me how to navigate this whole mess. but i’m still here. i survived. 2025 was a real challenge, even worse than my 2017s (the last champion of worst-year-of-my-life).
so, this year, i hope to be more well-equipped to fight my demons (because they will show up anyway). i hope to reach real calmness inside my heart & the joyful youth that i used to have. i hope i can grow further & learn much more, about myself, the people around me, & the world. i hope not to fear making a fool of myself so much, & i hope not to fear the end of things and cycles. i want to unravel all of my ouroboros with respect & thankfulness.
for you, dear reader, i wish a wonderful, joyful year too. may your weather feel sacred & you always have good food & fresh water on your table. i like to thank every night for the roof above my head & the warmth of my walls, so may you also feel grateful for those things we take for granted.
let’s cherish 2026!