heartbite
only by 25 did i realize i was allowed to choose things—that i could decide, by myself, how to live my life. that i didn’t have to make my choices based on what i thought other people wanted me to choose. oddly enough, worrying about third-party thoughts caused much more problems than it solved, especially if you’re an adult. apparently, adults should be selfish and trust themselves enough to make their own choices.
by 26 i found myself in a limbo where i couldn’t remember who i was or what i truly enjoyed; what made my heart sing. i had spent so many decades of my life trying to adjust myself into spaces i did not belong, only to feel a wisp of community, that i paid no mind to my own neglect. nowadays i try not to think much or question my childhood. i’ve since learned that there are graves that should better be left untouched. i really don’t want to find any more corpses or bones. 2025’s ossuary was more than enough.
i’ve been slowly questioning myself about my life and my tastes—what i want and what i enjoy; what i crave and desire… feelings that are hard to pin, but are at least recognizable. but to truly open one’s gates of potential, they must not only know themselves—they must challenge themselves, too. at least it’s what i guess.
i’m trying to be prosaic & make this entry more cohesive, but in the end i just wanna vent that i can no longer live the way i’ve been living until now if i want to be truly happy. it’s my fault too, for being whiny, weak, dependent, irresponsible, & so terrified of walking with my own legs. being independent always translates as being abandoned to my nerves, so i’m used to & ridiculously comfortable with being a failure and a loser, if i “have to”. because there’s nothing people love more than to be by the side of someone who’s lesser than them. if that’s what will get me to be loved so be it?
but you see, it’s a heart-aching dichotomy. fear of independence only makes other people pity or get grossed out by you. they don’t want you by their side as a teammate, but as a comparison spot. they can’t be the worst option if this exists, right? so they feel better about themselves when there’s someone disgusting around to complain about. is that the reason for my existence? to be a scapegoat? i mean, i got lucky that my girlfriend is just as fucked up in the head as me, so she craves to cradle and love me endlessly as long as i shower her with unconditional love. fair exchange of mental illness.
or am i ment to be left alone?
i’m more than capable of being my own self, but i only achieve this flow state when i get to be abandoned. when there’s no one watching my back or building expectations. i only win when i’m alone. when i’m accompanied, i retreat to my comfort zone of trying my hardest to fail (to maintain cognitive harmony that i am a failure). i mean, it’s what i’ve internalized since i was 8 or somwthing.
nobody tells you that it’s hard letting go of being a loser, but patrick stump was right, the best of us can really find happiness in misery.
god, i don’t know how to rip this from my heart. i don’t know how to treat this infection. & i’m so tired of living like this, but this is all i know & every time i try to change & tell myself i’m being miserable and digging my grave, self-harming, it’s just another confirmation that i’m hopeless & can’t leave this hellhole. that i’m weak and unworthy of support.
i don’t know what to do.
i really don’t like myself.