hello,
i’m exhausted. physically & mentally.
in a short summary, this month started amazingly in the first weeks. i had lots of energy & i started studying like my life truly depended on it. it was miraculous. brilliant. my weeks were organized, i was on schedule, everything was working smoothly & perfectly.
too perfectly.
on the 21st i broke up with my girlfriend. i didn’t mean to, exactly, but i had no idea about that back then. i felt this despair, this hopelessness that we wouldn’t work out because of some personal preferences. communication isn’t this magic potion people love to praise. there’s no way to know if your words are being listened the same way you’re speaking. even to communicate you must communicate your communication. it’s… exhausting. i was tired. so i threw the towel; she got furious; we didn’t talk for two whole days. but ah, reader, some of my principles are too strong. i hate being left in the dark, and it felt wrong to do this to her, so i texted her explaining my reasons for ending things so abruptly.
we talked the following days. but we’re at that point in our relationship where we cannot live without each other. we’ve adapted, mingled, & grew too much into each other. there isn’t a reality where we are far from each other. she’s as much as my lover as she’s my best friend, and we all know it’s way more heartbreaking to lose a friend than a lover. to lose both… at the same time… it was insanity. i felt the same grief i felt when i lost my father. it was so odd. the first days got me sick. i lost 2kg. i couldn’t eat, i couldn’t think…
i’m too emotionally volatile & my beloved is too controlled. i was born into an environment where people talked behind your back—everything was left to silence & deep, disapproving sighs. people didn’t fight. they turned their backs on you & you were left to figure out your crimes alone. she, on the other hand, was born into commotion & loudness. when she raised her voice she would be met with more scorn—everything she did that was deemed bad was thrown into her face as if she were unable to learn or have empathy.
we grew up in opposite lanes: i can’t bear silence & she can’t bear noise.
so she stays quiet while i scream my lungs out. she would rather ignore my flaws than to spit them to my face & i would rather have her hit me with a brick than to turn her back on me, rinse, & reset.
we couldn’t communicate.
a few days later we gave each other a shot. i talked, she listened. she talked, i listened. we got back together. we’re too tied to let go of each other.
but that week messed up all my following ones.
i was sickly exhausted. had to work with negative energy. couldn’t produce anything that wasn’t numbing or automatic.
i stopped studying & researching & i fell behind.
now, i’ve been trying to pull myself up again, slowly. i’ve been eating better, but… i don’t know. i’ve been feeling so hopeless & weak that it’s a struggle to climb back to the peak where i was at the end of march. we’re doing good, but my body felt it too much. neglect & self-harm are poison, indeed.
soon it will be may and soon i’ll have to perform some miracle to stand up.
i don’t know how, but i have to. my life depends on it.
dear reader, i’m in total despair while i write this. the hands-on-my-hair-bloodshot-eyes kind of despair. i’ve been on the verge of crying too many times this month. i can’t cry—literally. it’s been ages since i cried. i wish i could sob this out. her birthday is in may. my father’s birthday is in may. the month before the middle of the year is may. may is too fast.
i wish i could sleep may through.