enter january 2026
i told myself i would write one entry per month, like how my girlfriend writes on her physical journal, so here i am.
i began this year not in the calmest place. grandma suffered a serious injury on her leg, so my whole family cancelled their holidays to aid her, including me. we’re still figuring out what to do now that she went through surgery (mum wants to sue the place we left grandma at before her injury, but my aunties are too stressed & overworked to talk with lawyers). All we want is for grandma to recover healthily & well. it’s been very chaotic, but i know my immediate family spare me a lot from the real chaos that happens behind the curtains.
one of my wishes for this year is to become more helpful to them & bear some of their burdens. it’s a little uncomfortable—to love in a language i don’t care (acts of service?)—, but i want to show them that i love them, in a way they will be able to recognize it.
my girlfriend visited me in the third week of january—the sunniest of the month. this time i didn’t weep when she had to return to her hometown. we visited a café where we ate delicious cakes & she tried matcha for the first time (she didn’t like it) & she rode a horse for the first time, too! we took a day to stride in a local park where we saw & pet many (many!) cats (all females were pregnant!); she watched me get a haircut & we visited the town centre, local art galleries, an art museum, historical architectures, social projects, etc. we took a walk down the harbour (the harbour, my beloved!), ate in local restaurants, in ice cream parlours, & in a mcdonalds. we also went to the market countless times (she went alone once, to try free samples of coffee). we cooked together, watched some episodes of soredemo sekai wa utsukushii (2014) & nimona (2023) together, played cards with my friends… it was so fun! i was so happy to have been able to take her to many cool places, especially the horse barn. we met eachother through a horse game & we kept playing horse games together, so this was an activity i planned with a lot of care & love. it meant a lot to me & i hope it meant a lot to her too.
we had some arguments & fights (because i always start freaking out when she’s about to leave) & i’ve been... well, bad. i didn’t behave like a boyfriend when i was by her side. i have my reasons, but they’re no longer an excuse. we will get married so i should start behaving like a future husband. i recognize how some attitudes i did were awful & cruel. she also warned me that i overshare & interrupt people a lot, so i’ve been more cautious with my words since then.
i want to change. i need to change. this year, i want to destroy the old, harmful habits that i cultivated & let grow too big last year. i want to push myself harder & trust i can do it. last year i did my healing, so this year has to be good. i’ll force it to be good if i have to. i’m tired of settling for less for my sake. i deserve more. i should want more. i deserve an organized room, clean clothes & bed sheets, pretty sneakers… i deserve good things. i’m lucky to be able to have good things.
i asked my grandma to pay for my horse riding classes, until i get employed again.
last night i told mum i wanted to check riding boots & it led my thoughts back to the time when she had a well-paying job & would give me anything i asked for (that she could & approved, of course). i still keep my most expensive stuff, feeling guilty to sell or throw them away. i was only able to sell some stuff over the years because she was the one to put them on sale.
it’s weird. asking for paid hobbies. asking for expensive things. back then i felt no guilt or shame—because i always expected a “no”, but nowadays i feel like i should be able to pay my indulgences. i wish one day to be able to spoil all my family rotten. they deserve it as much as i do.
other memorable things from this month were the termination of my scientific research scholarship & the absence of my personal computer; it was filthy AND with a faulty motherboard, so i had to send it to a technician (the—allegedly—best in town) so it’s been taking the entire month to fix it.
a few days ago i watched this tiktok video where this guy was reprimanding people that have promised to change & start to cultivate their goals after the new years, but haven’t gone their way to inflict actual change, & if it were me from previous year watching it, i would feel so ashamed… but it’s me from 2026 who watched it. me from 2026 has many accomplishments already, hehe! they may be small, but they’re important to me. i’ve started habit tracking consistently, eating a healthy breakfast every morning, & making my bed every day (after watching a tiktok from a guy i admire explaining why one’s house should always be organized & clean). i also kept the dishes & floors clean every day, helped auntie with her things, & worked out again (plus did cardio with her).
i’m not where i want to be—yet—but i’m not far from it. i’m finally chasing my dream version of myself. i stopped wanting things & started going after those things, after realizing i wasn’t scared of thing going wrong—i was scared of thing going right.
it’s uneasy & tiring, but i’ve been training my brain to feel calm & worthy whenever i want something. i’m allowed to go after what i want, i repeat to myself (it works better when i’m angry & dissatisfied enough to make it work). all i gotta do from now on is to keep these good habits, & also study like an egghead, that is, to finally feel like i’m moving faster towards my goal. i cannot let myself accept anything but the best, even if it is something i would struggle to believe i deserve (i have this disgusting tendency to think i deserve less than nothing, BUT NOT ANYMORE!) i promised myself i would not accept a below-average life. i’ll die happy, loved, & satisfied.