kiss kiss bang bang!

30 May, 2026

i feel the curse of may leaving my body as i type this, wow.

okay, so may. i did said may would be a trainwreck, and boy, it was. i can’t even remember what happened this month besides that i felt like trash the whole time, and that i had 2 horse riding classes per week, and i was dead tired all the time. i tried getting back on track, and i did a little, but not enough. not to the important things (that are biting my *** right now).

i have nothing worthwhile to share this month, but i found some discoveries about myself along the way:

1. i’m probably (very likely) a So4 instead of a Sx3 — i had never read anything about E4s before because i thought they were lame and whiny and i couldn’t possibly, ever, be that kind of bad, right? except the description and examples in the E4 book sound almost verbatim to the stuff i write here. i felt disgusted when the realization hit me, because well, E4s are the worst type around, at least for me. E3s are kinda cool, so i didn’t mind being one of them, but that’s over now. i’m a whiny-***, annoying-as-hell-type. wow, great. love it. i wish i could say that i’m still unsure and considering that typing, but i don’t think i can run away from the evidences. we have it all here: the longing to belong somewhere, the hunger to be unconditionally loved and accepted, the quest for raw emotional reactions from our peers (and for us to be accepted in our own raw emotional reactions), the constant complaining to beg connection, the never ending comparing-&-beating-yourself-up for never living up to your idealizations (idolizations), the masquerading envy with a heartwrenching admiration that’s genuine but bitter, the abnormal belief in self-deprecation & self-destruction, the incessant attempts to “fix” what’s wrong with us, the family background that festered dependence & self-pity… it’s too many evidence. “but pienon!” you say, “that’s all pseudoscience, it’s not real!” and yes, you’re right, but i’m still going to believe in this bullshit because it makes me feel heard and understood. like if i can, somehow, fix this issue if i try hard enough.

2. i suck at being myself — i had a discipline in college this year that was about music (mostly rock music), and it probably shouldn’t have had the effect it had on me. because of it i went back to listening the type of music i enjoyed listening to when i was a teen. at that time, i gave up my aesthetic/fashion sense because i thought i looked like a fool (and i did). it was an awkward phase of my life. i would’ve never been able to “find” myself at that time due to various reasons. but i’m 26 now and i can do whatever i want! (i did check with my girlfriend if she wouldn’t hate me if i started dressing up like a grungy-punk-rock-weirdo from the 90s). i’ve been trying to accept that yeah, these are the clothes that make me feel the most comfortable with myself, but they also make me feel very self-conscious in public because i think people won’t take me seriously, and because i don’t see adults my age (and in my country) wearing this style. and it’s really hard, you know? to be openly genuine. to be honest and show honesty to people. you never know how they will react & it’s annoying to be judged by irrelevant things.

i should try honouring more “me” stuff from now on, and accept that i’m worth putting effort on (like, me-me. not “another version of me”, or “the future me”, or “the potential me”, just… me, current me). anyway, i’m not really used to loving myself unconditionally so that will be tricky.

i don’t know what june or july is going to bring. all i know is that we’re entering winter here, and winter in the tropics is the best. i’ve been quite glad these last years to live in the tropics and not have to deal with harsh seasons. i get super productive during autumn & winter, although winter usually ***** me up. spring is the best season, for real.

i hope i can finish all my projects, and i hope things get better for me… i hope i fell less like a whiny ***** and i hope i find my heart amidst this mess.

thank you for reading until here, reader. this entry is… i think it’s my worst entry up to now lol, but this month has been so *** that i’ll give it some slack. i’m just glad it’s over.

#2026 #journal #may