rags & riches
we started february with lots of anxiety & frustration.
my aunt got really mad about the technician taking TWO whole months to fix my computer but somehow i was the one who got scared & ashamed. there was (a probable) miscommunication between him & the counter attendants, so i felt like i was in the dark all the time, thinking they were making a fool out of me. in the end, everything went well—my motherboard & psu had some issues & they were very kind to sell & give me new parts & a whole clean up. i also figured out that it was red dead online that was overheating my pc (i fixed it by lowering the game’s core processes to only one) & the probable reason why my motherboard got faulty at some point last year.
that wasn’t the only chaotic thing that happened this month. here’s a summary of the other ones (mostly for you, nini, because i shut you off & didn’t explain myself to you why i was acting like a cold asshole again).
it was my finals’ week—i had to prepare for 3 consecutive handwritten exams.
the previous week i had an anxiety attack because my aunt scolded me for “being a fool” & letting the technician keep my pc hostage for too long, but i had no idea what to do (it was my first time sending something to a technician & nobody instructed me, so i just trusted the tech was doing his best…) & in the same day, i had to go to a d&d session which i was already nervous to participate because i had procrastinated my character sheet because i was worried about my exams, which i ended up avoiding until the last minute, of course (phew).
i had to keep my routine, maintaining the house pristine & organized.
also, my other aunt indirectly pressured me to get a job (now that i’m jobless) as if i don’t have a clue what to do after graduating or as if i owe her or something (i bet it was projection, because she was the one spending a fortune into frivolous stuff, so she was the one seeking money, not me).
all those things spiralled me to feel anxious & out of control (with a simple eye roll, my family has this magical effect that makes me question my own sanity & my own decisions as if i’m the dumbest country mouse in the whole world, who, knows nothing, won’t ever know anything, & is stupidstupidstupid & a useless leech & a burden “if you’re going to do something, do it perfect first time or die”). i had bad nights of irregular sleep & daily doses of tachycardia until i finally got my pc back & finished my exams. unfortunately, the way i cope is by isolating myself & shutting down all my joy.
i hate how they hide things from me.
the second week was better. i took a couple of hours of my day to organize my desk & to get rid of a bunch of old & useless papers, something that i’ve been procrastinating for literal years. i also started taking horse riding lessons. i bought black cotton breeches & rubber boots, but my teacher said rubber boots weren’t ideal—it’s better to buy tailor-made leather boots, so i’ll get a new pair next year or so. good thing i like to wear boots!
i think i’ve been doing well, considering the lack of feedback after the lessons, but the most important thing i’ve learned was the “reason behind the stirrups”. apparently, you don’t use them to rest your feet. it functions like a pseudo ground (literally). you must use them as if they were the floor you stand on—that’s why bad foot position will make your balance sloppy.
i love going there so much… i love the smell of the horses’ fur & the leather of the saddle… i love to watch the floor getting distant from my view as i go up, & i love the moment when you get in sync with the horse; when you two are breathing at the same time & you feel all the muscles in your body working in ways they had never worked before. i love to hear their little whinnies & pet them goodbye. the only odd thing about those classes are the occasional rich parents (not rich-rich, more like middle to upper middle class). i thought rich kids’ parents would be more… understanding of what is a child & how they behave. i saw this frustrated mum, clearly impatient, scolding her daughter after the poor girl fell off the horse. the mother didn’t even show concern for her well-being! (apparently it was not her first fall, but damn…). i think it is okay to push kids to excellence (i wish my mum had been stricter & more curious about my development), but to be careless with your own offspring this much… it’s bad, isn’t it?
anyway, what can i say when i’m not a parent myself?
the last week of the month was… different. you may recall i prayed to be more responsible this year—to become a real adult (or my vision of a real adult)—& i’ve been having many new & challenging situations that could be related to this wish. for the first time in my life i had to take care of a relative. it may not sound as a big deal, but my family’s biggest personality trait is being overly independent, so to finally be a source of reliability was…
it is almost like a drug of belonging, tbh.
(i see what i’m doing… i’ll be quiet.)
my favourite pair of all-stars are starting to hurt my feet because they are low quality shoes. i should’ve been wiser when buying them, but i was in love! (╥﹏╥) i would’ve regretted if i had bought something else. now i’ll be selling my old pair of low nike blazers to buy a regular adidas courtblock next (or a grand court 2.0—i like simple shoes). (it’s annoying how everything is—has to be—about money, isn’t it? transactions, payments, loans, debts, inheritances… not bad, just annoying). i should be properly employed by the end of june. i mean, it’s a blessing & a curse—to be able to do anything; be anything. i’ve been praying—to live by a career that will make me happy. i don’t care about the kind of job i will do per se, as long as i earn my desired income & that the profession itself makes me happy.
i wonder what the future will bring me. (sometimes i wonder about the harbour).
also, social media has been bothering me beyond normalcy. i hate those infuriating, useless vagueposts on twitter, the stupid low-info tiktoks, reddit’s ragebaits, tumblr’s ads, youtube’s search engine, the nothingness of pinterest, substack’s pretentiousness, etc. the hate i was feeling was so real that i’ve been avoiding everything unless i needed specific info. i’ve never felt such disgust towards socmed before, but i take it as a good sign. a bad sign, however, is my distraction after i got my computer back. the moment i fall into retrogression is the moment i get to game more than 2 hours per day, so i’ve been keeping myself in check, setting kitchen alarms to keep me grounded in reality.
i carry a sketchbook with me now, too, to draw in the meantime, & a wishing book, where i write mantras of inner strength & hope that all my desires become real in my life.
i want to live a peaceful, reassuring life, you know? i want to be able to sleep like a baby every night, no matter what. no more anxiety attacks, no more panicking-like-a-child-who-just-got-in-trouble after i “disappoint” my family. no more doomscrolling or self-harm. i want to sleep well, eat well, live well.
i have to take care of myself like a real adult. i’ve been struggling too much with my independence.
march will be very different from february, i’ll make sure of it.