records of my spiritual fast - day 1
i want to challenge myself to get closer to god again. maybe i never will, maybe i’m not meant to, but i want to try. i felt dirty & uncomfortable when i tried diving head-on to it, so i thought a spiritual fast would help me feel a little cleaner before touching the word of god.
don’t get me wrong, i’m not religious, but i believe every person on this planet has a special connection to a pantheon, whatever it may be. i don’t think the christian god is the one, true, & only god out there, but his pantheon is the one i get the most when i pray to. just… not from him in particular. i’ve prayed to greek gods & i’ve prayed to angels before & i felt connected & heard by them, but never to that god. changing religions sounds too abrupt to me & not something i would do living in the same place as my family, but i wanna try to give christianity a last, real chance.
for better or for worse, the christian pantheon is the one the angels serve, & angels are my comfort-spot. i’ve always felt connected to them, metaphysically & mythologically (angelology has been a special interest of mine since i was very young). i pray to them every time i leave home & no harm ever came to me. i like their ruthlessness; they’re not circumlocutory or “empathetic” as demons.
idk why i’ve never felt inclined to demonology, though. i mean, i was 8 or 9 when i was literally playing the devil’s advocate, defending lucifer during sunday school because “if god can, why couldn’t he too?”. also, his name is so pretty. i just don’t vibe with demons for some reason. i would know. the 11 satanic rules of the earth are pretty cool.
i guess it’s because angels scratch my reverence itch—you know, the same one that makes me adore knighthood—, diligence & loyalty. there’s nothing more beautiful than to give yourself as a devout soldier (mindless but needed) to a higher, all-knowing being; to live & curl under its light like a school of sardines. some people are born to be cats & some people are born to be dogs, right? some people are born to be birds & some people are born to be horses; & some people are born to be sheep & some people are born to be foxes. & god is, well… god. i’m not that rebellious to find their adversary worthy of being worshipped.
i’ll be doing the 21-day spiritual cleansing with archangel michael ritual during this fast. i’ve done it in the past & it was a very pleasant experience. angels are usually very fond of me, i think. maybe because they know how much i like & respect them. you can feel when an entity despises you (just make sure you’re praying to the actual being you want to & not some lower spirit or smth). i’ve never felt despised by god, just… ignored. since ever. maybe god never talks back? should i try talking to metatron or smth next time? angels have never ignored me…
i’ve never tried praying to christ, though. he feels too… humane. like a brother or a cousin—not something you would pray to…
pfft, c’mon what kind of christian have i ever been? fakeass christian that separates god from christ.