records of my spiritual fast - day 2
i feel cringy whenever i gotta speak latin or hebraic or old languages because it’s weird, but damn i’m glad i did it anyway. one day of prayer & today the muddy waters of my consciousness got a little clearer. “i struggle to be responsible because i do not recognize responsibility & self-care as something innate to myself. i play-pretend whenever i have to ‘be an adult’ because how could i ever be one?”, sounds disgusting right? right? i’m pathetic. i couldn’t blame my upbringing enough. what the fuck is that? what do you mean the main reason why i can’t become who i want to be is because i’ve been alienated, shunned from it, not only forced to believe i was never able to pull myself from my bootstraps, but poisoned by this “fact” since birth? i know i’ve had these realizations before, but… it’s the first time i can taste it on my tongue; see it playing in real time how this bullshit fucks me up on a daily basis—the unconscious belief that pulls my strings & does not allow me to be functional, capable, & free. bro, i “switch” to a grown-up persona to send emails. i have to prepare myself psychologically to send. an. email. because i can’t do it as myself
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i am an adult, ffs, what the hell is the difference???? I’LL BE 30 IN FOUR YEAR FFS. I’M DONE. i’m so done with this bullshit. it’s about time i grow some balls. in fact, it’s overdue. thank god i’m not the type to guilt-trip myself into “oh it’s too late, oh how could i have not known this before, boohoo”, i didn’t know but i know now and THAT’S what matters. pick yourself up & move on. you know better now. i mean, there’s nuance to what i’ve written. it isn’t a simple realization, i just saw—recognized—it happening right before my eyes & it made me wretch. “time to be a grown-up” why? we’re literally a grown up, why do we have to switch to one when we are a grown up? oh right, because we’re still seen & treated as children by every one at home. because we learnt to run away from responsibilities & leave it to “the adults” because we were dumb & stupid. because last week grandma fucking scold us for being awake past midnight as if we were 8, because “you’re too young to understand,” because we were spoiled in a debilitating way but now everyone wants miraculous proofs of independence.
my aunt just scoffed at me after i told her i was going to study for the entrance exam, use the free time i have now to do it well. if it were any other day that would make me feel like utter garbage. my relatives aren’t very encouraging & i don’t blame them for not having any faith on me. mom’s side of the family show concern by humiliating & trash-talking; i know them. i’m blood of their blood. both sides—mom & dad’s—are fucked up in their own ways. but her words fell deaf into my ears. she ain’t saying anything i haven’t told myself a gazillion times over & over. it’s nothing new under the sun. it can no longer hurt me. it’s not constructive, their concern, i mean. i will pray tonight so they won’t ever show me any of that concern ever again. i don’t need their concern.