records of my spiritual fast - day 3
i slept like trash. i can still feel the cogs buzzing at the back of my head.
most people experience abrupt, intense, & tolling experiences when they decide to follow this ritual. it’s a cleansing ritual, after all. last time i did it i dealt with exquisite but overall pleasant setbacks, nothing similar to today’s setback that made me feel disturbed & uneasy. i spent the day jittery, with this looming loneliness tugging at my heart saying “no, no, no, this is wrong, we have to stop & think,” but think what exactly? idk, i didn’t think anything properly anyway. it’s an odd dread & i think the only reason i do not spiral into despair is because i’m aware that “torture” is a part of the ritual (it works like a purge). still, i’m by no means being tortured. it’s just a bad, uncomfortable day. might have nothing to do with the ritual, even.
i did feel an uncanny desire to sit & pray twice during the day, but i quickly got distracted & forgot about it. if i feel it again i’ll make sure to follow it through.