records of my spiritual fast - days 4, 5, 6, 7
i didn’t have any major happening to me during these past days. it’s when praying starts to get boring or hurting my throat at night & i start praying in silence. my friend told me i don’t have to take a cleansing ritual to read the word of god, but i need it. i feel at ease knowing i’m honouring the angels once again. he says god hears us anytime.
i feel changes happening, but they come in slow & steady waves. it only doesn’t hurt because i’m ready for it to hurt. but it... doesn’t. it unravels itself in a mix of dull pain & bliss, like rubbing isoprophyl alcohol into a fresh wound.
i’ve been quieter, jittery, noticing my avoidance patterns dragging me away from discomfort—from what would make my anxiety & lack of trust disappear. i feel it whispering at the back of my mind: “stop being so scared of living the best life you can live.” i’m terrified.
today, on a whim, i decided to check the registration guide for the exam i plan to take. to apply, i will have to move a few sticks of mine asap (next week at best). too many things happening at once in august. my coworker told me august is the month of crisis since the roman empire.
my god, i miss the harbour so fucking much. if i’m meant to be there, then guide me there. if not, that’s fine as well; being a teacher is not the end of the world. i should trust my heart more, i rarely regret my heart-binding choices.