records of my spiritual fast - day 8
i didn’t pray yesterday. felt bad, wrong… maybe it’s catholic guilt eating my bones, but how dare i seek redemption? i mean, i know this thought is gross. priests have told me i shouldn’t have this thoughts
“what could you have possibly done to think god wouldn’t forgive you?”
“you’re not cursed beyond redemption, child,” type of talk.
god wants all his children close, but sometimes i think i’m beyond forgiveness. because i make too many mistakes. over and over. i’ll repeat the same mistake more than twice. & i’ll feel just as bad as if i had done it for the first time. but the angels are so cold. they will pull you up by your arms, but they won’t coddle you. they pity no creature. is sinning this endless process of falling back & getting up? forever? never feeling at ease? always thinking it will drag you back to the pit if you stare at it for too long? addiction-like?
my family had a big fight yesterday. they’re too worried about looking morally good than acting morally by the heart. trying to convince themselves they’re good, because they know they are not. they’re selfish & scared just like any human being. but goodness is doing what’s right. what’s fair... (i don’t think they’re being fair...)
my friend told me christians shouldn’t rely on their hearts—that the heart is foggy & uncertain, but the word of god is pure & true. righteous. trustworthy. the heart fails, but the word doesn’t. maybe he lived too long in his head (or maybe he’s right, i’ve never read the bible), but my heart always guided me to the right places. i’ve never regretted a decision made by heart. i always regret the ones i make from the mind; from thinking too much.
i feel embarrassed when i pray. like, how dare you? you? praying? now? don’t you know your place? why are you here?
do i deserve to go home? even when i don’t regret what i’ve done? i can’t regret it. my mistakes made me who i am. can come in? lean on the kitchen counter? walk down the corridors? get a room in his house?
for now i’ll sit on the porch.