the ides of march
dear reader, this month i bring you superb news! well, it will probably sound immensely stupid to you, but i’ve finally figured out the reason for my career growth stunt! it’s very simple, in fact: my ill self-worth thinks i only deserve to exist if i’m insanely irreplaceable or useful. however, that’s just ludicrous & unrealistic. i reflected many things this month (if you check my previous entries, you’ll find more in depth descriptions of such reflections) & i no longer care if i’m in the “unsuccessful/loser” category of the family. i just wanna work a normal job & figure out what i actually enjoy doing for a living instead of aimlessly following everyone’s advice as if i was incapable of making a good decision on my own. i’m better now. i’m getting better. at least i can say that this year i’m dismantling most of my fears (which is much better than accidentally digging up corpses like last year…)
on to the good stuff! i watched a resident evil: requiem (2026) gameplay with my girlfriend, & it was super fun! i don’t like scary games, but i decided to give it a chance because she was so excited about it. all i can say is that grace’s character was beyond my favourite. i just wanted to buy her coffee, give her a blanket, let her sleep in a super comfy bed forever, & kick that asshole boss of hers in the shins! how could he send a rookie like her to a crime scene alone & unarmed?? she bought that gun herself!!
i also got cursed with the knowledge that my beloved wife is jealous of the kennedy cop. “i met him before i met you!” she said. unbelievable. (it’s okay my love, i forgive you). we watched the game during a rainy week, so everything was perfect & cozy. there’s nothing more heartwarming than finding something you & your beloved feel eager to share with each other. because of that, we decided to watch the whole saga from the start, starting with the resident evil (2002) & resident evil zero (2015) remasters.
(btw, i’ve always mixed up the resident evil & silent hill series. now i know the difference: resident evil is about infections & it ends with explosions, while silent hill is about psychological turmoil stuff).
i also watched a knight of the seven kingdoms (2026) which made me apprehensive with its first episodes because of the comedy factor, but thank goodness episode 3 happened & i was able to let my breath go. i liked watching more about the poor, peasant characters’ point of view. we get so used watching westerosi nobility & their power-driven quarrels that it’s nice to watch something from the other side of the hill. keeps things balanced. ser duncan’s character was superb in terms of realism (the best we can have of it), & egg was brilliant. my favourite characters—besides egg—were raymun & prince baelor & his son, prince valarr. i’m not even gonna touch into the subject of how they portrayed knighthood—i wanna write a paper about it in the future—, it was brilliant & gruesome, the right amount between duty & honour & being a pawn at the hands of the state. for me, the most intriguing archetype is the soldier—you’re nothing & everything at the same time; a jobsworth at the core, even when morally right.
i’m still struggling to finish reading the three books i started since the beginning of the year, but i’m getting there! i’m stuck in the middle of both the fox and the hound & stone blind. i can’t wait to finish so i can finally start participating in book clubs again & to read short stories without feeling guilty.
i caught a hardcore flu by the end of the summer, complete with a fever & everything. my horse riding teacher said it was probably a combination of irregular weather + gym training + riding under the scalding sun + taking a cold shower & sleeping under cold air—too many variations of temperature under a single day—, so my immunological system was fighting for my life. i’m better now, but damn it is annoying fainting in the bathroom at 5am.
on other news, i’ve started my internship working in a public school for the youth & adults as a teacher assistant. it’s been interesting & challenging, especially since this class has students of different grades. i like the way the teachers teach, but some of their choices irk me. we learn at university to instigate questions, to ask the students about the material rather than just speak about it—the goal is to minimize expository teaching, not provoke it… maybe it’s me who’s not understanding the class’ dynamic yet. anyway, i shouldn’t concern myself too much about that. even though i love teaching, working with humans is nerve wrecking. a teacher who cares about their students’ education is rarely ever going to be liked. you exchange amicability for competency, but some students don’t understand it—they think we have a personal vendetta against them or something. it’s not uncommon hearing threats & witnessing violence in poorer school communities, especially nowadays, when people are getting less tolerant & we have cases of students literally stabbing each other in a classroom. i can work as a teacher—i really like it!—but i don’t want it to be my main source of income when our professional concern gets mistaken as nitpicking & bullying. the more i stay alive the more i wanna migrate to a career where i see the least amount of people as possible.
back in february i said i would make sure this month would be better, & i feel accomplished. there’s this sparkly anger in my veins making me feel excited, hopeful… all this time, all i needed was blind, faithful encouragement; someone to tell me i am capable of doing difficult things, even if i believed i could only grow misery & disappointment. this someone was none other than me myself. i owe this to my riding classes, tbh. it was there (alone, with nobody watching) where i realized i can win alone & i can do it myself (& that i actually improve much better & faster when i’m by myself—my own standards are already high enough, lol). even if there’s nobody celebrating my victories, it’s ok because i can do it myself & that’s more than enough. i don’t need a crutch, i don’t need someone who knows better to do it for me, i can win alone & the merit is all mine.
writing here has helped me so much with tracking progress & visualizing my movement. i see my growth, my mistakes, my possibilities… i’ve always been an optimistic guy, except towards myself, so it’s time to change that. from now own, i’ll be my own source of encouragement & hope. there will be no metric in my life besides the one that belongs to me. nobody knows me better than i know myself, so this will be my goal for the rest of the year: to have faith in myself; to have confidence that my decisions are good & worthwhile, & that even if everyone thinks i’m a loser or falling behind, it doesn’t matter because i know what i need the most.
all this anger & frustration is blooming into hope & confidence & i can’t wait to see what happens in the next episodes.